I recently read The Taming of Red Riding, it was very good and I enjoyed it very much. Fabulous kinky, escapist reading but it also got me thinking about my own submission.
Spoilers of sorts afoot.
Amelia is so like me. In fact I’d say she’s exactly who I’d have been had I grown up with any amount of self confidence or self worth; spolit, demanding, arrogant. But specifically, her difficulty just letting go and embracing her submissive side was really interesting for me to read.
I’ve always been submissive, I’ve never had trouble identifying with that role or word, but during scenes and in relationships I do have trouble truly conceding control. There is definitely part of me that is 100% terrified of completely letting go even though I so desperately want to.
There is more depth to my submission than I’ve so far experienced and it makes me a little sad and frustrated, not because I want to reach a certain “level” of submission, simply because I know I have more to give and I want to be able to give it.
I’m definitely making progress in that area, partly because Daddy has proven himself trustworthy over and over again so I feel truly safe with him, and partly because I feel more confident in myself now. I actually said on Twitter a while ago that I enjoy my submissive side more since I’ve grown to love and respect myself. I feel I am giving my submission from a place of strength which is a much more fulfilling feeling for me and that has definitely added to both my ability to let go more but also to realise that there is more I can give.
Trusting myself more has also been a key piece in the puzzle; trusting that I will use my safeword, that I know what I want, and that I am able to give the things I want to give and not be left depleted.
I feel like I’m not explaining all that well but through the book I learned that it’s OK to hit a wall, or have an internal struggle but, if I want to get the most from my submission and be the best submissive I can be, I have to consciously choose to let go and embrace it.