I never assumed I was straight and you’d think that, therefore, I would have had a very simple and clear understanding of my sexuality from a young age but you would be wrong. At 32 I am finding a way to understand my own sexuality and just let it be what it is.

To briefly explain my sexual/relationship history; I was super into women* from a young age but fell into sex and relationships with men* (thanks heteronormativity and Section 28). My two long term relationships were with men and they led me to assume I was asexual; I enjoyed the BDSM play and D/s dynamics with them but it wouldn’t occur to me to have sex with them, and clearly not being attracted to men makes you asexual, not gay…..!

I’ve used the split attraction model of sexuality for a few years now but my usage of it has evolved. Initially, once I realised asexual wasn’t the only “not attracted to men” option, I thought I was 100% lesbian, then homosexual panromantic, then pansexual homoromantic and then, only a week or so ago Evie Lupine uploaded a video about split attraction and happened to mention that the split doesn’t have to be sexual/romantic.

Things fell into place for me after that video and, while I don’t have a label to explain my sexuality, I feel much more relaxed about it because I understand myself more. I’m toying with being a pankinkily lesbian demisexual, bear with me on this!

Women and nonbinary folks turn me on. I look at them and think how gorgeous and sexy they are. I think about taking them on a date, romancing them, being with them, pleasuring them, fucking them. All the things in all the ways.

Men are, for want of a better word, my kink. That doesn’t mean I won’t have meaningful sexual relationships with men (spoilers: Daddy is a man!) but the dynamic is essential. I have no interest in men for vanilla sexy time or vanilla romance, without a D/s dynamic men don’t do it for me. With a D/s dynamic I am every kind of slut for men but only with an established power exchanged relationship.

Whatever your gender I am unlikely to jump in your pants without some initial relationship/bond although I will say, I now wonder how much of that is a fear/trust thing and not a sexuality thing, but for the moment demisexual feels right.

So I primarily identify as a Queer woman or as a lesbian on profiles and forms and such. I prefer Queer as a label because of its ambiguity, there’s no reason anyone would need to know the specifics of my sexuality and I have feelings about the divisions in the LGBTQIA+ community, but maybe that’s for another post.

That and “I’m here and I’m Queer” has a much better ring to it than “I’m here and I’m a pankinkily lesbian demisexual.”

*at the time I was totally unaware of other genders.

6 Responses

  1. I’m so glad to hear that you found a framework that is helping you understand yourself! And that you’re allowing yourself to experience your sexuality in whatever ways feel right.

    Labels are great cause they can help you find community and put some of your experiences to words, but they’re not necessary for everyone and if any of your labels change over time as you learn more about yourself that’s 100% valid too!

    Thank you so much for sharing!

  2. You raise some good points that have me contemplating things. I am much more interested in sex with men if there is at least some sort of kinky element to it. Vanilla sex with men bores me. Yet with women I don’t need any kinkiness to be into them.

Leave a Reply