When the entire world feels like it’s against me and nothing will go right, my submission offers a space where none of that matters.
I’ve had a long and complex journey with my kink and mental illness, without even mentioning the ableism and judgement in the kink community. I have worked hard to learn when I’m using kink to fuel my self hatred or to keep the denial up and when I’m using it in a healthy way. I’ve also worked hard to get to a place where I let myself use kink as self care.
Kink isn’t a replacement for therapy and I’ve had a lot of therapy, like, a lot a lot, but kink can be therapy. I want to start sharing my own experiences, mostly as a reminder to myself that it’s important to me but also because we need more stories of mentally ill folks doing healthy kinky fuckery.
The power of letting go.
I’m a control freak and the more stressed or overwhelmed I get, the more control freaky I get. The problem with that is it becomes a vicious cycle where I try to control everything and can’t so get more stressed and try to control more things…
Submitting is like a hard reset for me. It requires me to surrender, to let go. It requires me to trust that I will be taken care of. That makes it really hard for me to do when I’m overwhelmed but making the choice to sink into my submission always pays off.
When I allow myself to use my submission as ctrl+alt+del, I reap the benefits both in the moment and after. It reduces my stress levels and re-connects me to who I am so, as much as I may really not want to return to “real life,” I return far more able to deal with it.
When I choose to embrace that part of me in those moments it’s therapeutic in the same way as meditation or yoga. I can switch my brain off, I can step out of the spiral of overwhelm and just be.
How peaceful it is to just be.