I’m what society would call “middle aged”. I’m of no interest to most advertisers as I’ve left the most lucrative demographics behind. Nor am I of use to companies who pander to the elderly. I’m in that no persons land between “hip and trendy” and “hip replacement”.
At the start of this year, my wife asked for a divorce, said she never loved me and wanted a divorce. (She had four kids with me as well, this person she never loved. How messed up is that?) Then her mum died. Then Covid-19 hit. So as of time of writing we’re in this holding pattern where we’re still acting like a married couple, but there’s no relationship.
For the first time in 24 years, I am, for all intents and purposes, single.
This gives you a brief summary of my life, and where I am at right now. With all that and *gestures at world* this, it’s been a confusing, wild, strange time, and as someone considered vulnerable to Covid, it’s left me pondering life choices, however long I may have left, past decisions etc…
So here we are. Now the sex stuff!
I was sent to boarding school for a year when I was 14. A Catholic school no less. I met a guy named Scott. I had a crush on him. As a good Christian boy I felt guilty as homosexuality is a sin and all that. It was only later I learned that that sort of thing is common in puberty and means nothing. I started looking at breasts, ogling women at the beach, and leaving various articles of clothing crusty… All the awful things teenage boys do.
I had a friend. I’ll call him Oli. Oli and I had known each other since we were 7 years old. Grown up together except that year I was boarding school. Hit puberty at the same time. Started masturbating at the same time. (14) Of course we didn’t discuss this until a couple of years later.
So we’re two 16 year old guys out one night, just hanging out at our old school for lack of anywhere better to go. Masturbation comes up as a topic. Talking about it gets us both pretty excited. A strong breeze did it in those days! I don’t remember which one of us suggested it, but we decided to go lay down in the sports field, some distance apart, and cum. Being young and virile, it’s over fairly quickly. I cum on the grass, and he says he did too. We both sort of laugh it off and that was that. It was never mentioned again.
By 16 I was well aware I was into women, (and I still very much am). Women are works of art and I adore them. However, since then I’ve wished I had come on to my friend and, if he’d have let me, sucked his cock. Just Oli. Nobody else. I just wanted to go down on him. I never had the guts to follow through on it as he never gave any indications he felt the same way. We drifted apart a little, and then I moved and that was that.
It still stuck with me. But it was only him. I wasn’t sexually attracted to men at all.
At age 25 I got married, settled down, had kids. Despite having a mostly good marriage for a lot of the time, while the sex life wasn’t as active as I’d have liked, it was still a sex life, I still occasionally thought of Oli, but I was straight, married, getting laid… Never gave it another thought. Of course I’m straight. Aren’t I?
Fast forward to my marriage collapsing. For the first time in 25 years I’ve had to entirely take my pleasure into my own hands. Several medications I’m on have caused erectile issues and while I can get a bit hard, without the stimulation of my wife, I can’t get truly erect. It doesn’t prevent me doing anything. It’s just frustrating.
My good friend, Persephone, talks a lot about sex and I’ve been able to open up to her about a lot of stuff I’ve never spoken about before. (My wife only knows about the thing with Oli in the vaguest of terms.) She’s awesome and a big part of why I’m here guest posting.
With no sex life to speak of I started wondering about various aspects of sexuality. Was there anything to the now 30 year old thing with Oli, and was I interested in exploring it? I watched some gay porn and while it did arouse me a bit, there wasn’t much there. Then this past weekend I was home alone. As a disabled (back issues) father of four I’m stuck at home all the time, and get almost no time alone. I made use of this time alone by sticking every sex toy in the house from my previous sex life that could be safely put there up my ass! (Not at the same time I might add.)
It’s the first time in years I’ve done that. And I loved it. And I started thinking about not just being pegged, something I’ve wanted badly for years, but having an actual guy fuck me! I dismissed it. After all that’d mean I was bi or something, and I’m not! Am I?
So I had a long chat with Persephone and she told me about internalized homophobia. Something I’d not heard of. She corrected me and said it has nothing to do with hating gay people (which I obviously don’t) and all to do with you being in denial as to your sexuality. Despite being agnostic, societal and Christian programming is still very much in my brain, and that’s hard to fight.
I started trying to think in terms of men. Am I attracted? Nope. I am neither romantically attracted to men, nor sexually attracted. Do I want to suck a guys cock and have him cum in my mouth? FUCK YES!
So here I sit. Wondering what to do. I love women, nothing has changed. If my wife and I do split (finances might prevent sadly) I want to be with another woman. Despite being love’s bitch many times, I still love women.
However I really want to meet a guy who I can bond with and trust… So I can suck his cock and possibly have him fuck me. (I’m still not 100% on being fucked if I’m honest, but really how is it any different than pegging? And at least if it’s a guy he’s getting off! Which in turn is a huge turn on.)
Does this make me bisexual? In an attempt to educate myself I went searching for information and it was no help. I couldn’t find anything on my particular situation. Wanting to be fucked by a guy, have him cum in my mouth, my ass (or possibly both!) but having zero sexual attraction to men. I think. It could be my brain just won’t let go of that internalized homophobia.
The one thing I can say is this. Remember I said about meds causing erectile issues and I barely get hard? Just the thought of sucking cock has gotten me the hardest I’ve been years.
But I’m not bi. Am I?
So here I am, Pride Month 2020, and at the ripe old age of late 40’s I may have realized I’m bisexual!
And I’ve no idea what to do about this. All I know is I REALLY want to try sucking a guy now, see if it’s everything I’ve fantasized about for… god, 30+ years. I’ve just no clue how to find said guy. I want someone caring and understanding of my situation, to be gentle and awesome, not a guy who goes “Woo! Free blowjob!” If I’m ever going to have this experience, I want it to be right. I want the guy to value the fact they’re my first! Someone who understands I may hate it in reality. Of course I’m a gentleman. I’m not going to leave a brother hanging. Even if I hate it I will finish the job. It’s only fair!
My only attraction to a guy was Oli and that was over 9 years of friendship. I don’t want to wait that long. To be honest I’m not sure I want to go 9 days without finding out, it makes me so fucking hot! I’ve just no idea how to find someone who’ll understand.
Answers on a postcard… Happy and hoping to talk to anyone, whether gay, bi, or confused as shit like I am.
Happy Pride Month!
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