Continuing my kink isn’t therapy (except when it is) series, I want to share my experience with kink, self acceptance and mental illness.
Embracing all of me.
Being aware of my submissive side in vanilla situations is as powerful as it is difficult for me. I’m not talking about sexy submission in this instance, just a knowing of my place and a feeling of being owned.
Part of my own brain bullshit means that I’m very either or, black or white, 0 shades of grey let alone 50! The technical term is “splitting” and it makes it very hard for me to see myself as both submissive and a professional, for example.
Holding two seemingly opposing things in your head is difficult for most people, I imagine, but in BPD it’s the kind of difficult which means my emotional reaction is based on the “side” I’m seeing in that moment.
That makes holding the knowledge that Daddy controls me while I’m being a Boss Babe is next to impossible, but not completely impossible.
When I am able to hold those two things in my mind though, I find it strengthens me. The embracing of my full self is powerful because self acceptance is powerful. Having someone see and accept all of me is so healing.
But it’s still difficult so being reminded in small ways like having to ask permission to use the bathroom or sending naughty photos on demand helps to subtly remind me without entirely switching me out of Boss Babe mode. The little things create more of a lens through which I’m viewing my Boss Babe self, or vice versa, rather than a constant switching between the two.
For me, those reminders are a re-connection to my whole self. They remind me who I am as a whole; that I’m more than whichever part of myself is front and centre right now. They remind me of the power I find in embracing all of me and of how far I’ve come to even know who “all of me” is.
Practising holding those two identities in my mind is also great practice for dealing with splitting more generally. It’s a way to find out what helps me to be able to do it and what definitely doesn’t.
I’m really interested to know how other kinksters with mental illnesses use, or don’t, kink in their own mental health management.